Monday, March 17, 2008

Todavía invierno

The first day of spring isn't for a few more days. To remind us of that fact, we received another big storm last night. I slept poorly last night and figured I'd probably have to work on not being a grouch today, but as I got my sleepy self off the bus I was caught off guard by this vista, and I smiled in spite of myself.

Lola loves a good spring storm.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Un lunes más o menos ordinario

A sincere thanks to those who have shown love, support and concern. Sometimes I feel awfully isolated living out my waking hours down here in the basement of the languages building on the far end of campus, and while my colleagues are wonderful and supportive, it's good to feel the support of my loved ones spread far and wide.

And on an update sort of note, I am once again among the ranks of the medicated. Gah. Of course, they're taking their sweet time to kick in, all except the temporarily-prescribed sedative, that is. I'm still waking in the night, but now it's only once. In the mean time, my poor system is reacting predictably to new substances being introduced to it, that is, with nausea. Gah, indeed.

I'm still shaky, but there's a sense of relief that comes from knowing I'm moving toward some better management of my mess.

If slowly, Lola's on the up and up. Keep your digits crossed for me.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Me caigo

I'm cracking up.

Looking back I can see that this has been on the horizon for months, but I didn't imagine that it would get worse. Well, it has. I shake, I cry without warning or provocation, my ability to focus is shot, my sleep is the worst it's been in ages. If I'm so damn tired, why can't I stay asleep through the night? My shiny new therapist could offer several explanations, probably all good.

He asked if I was getting at least eight hours of sleep a night. It was such a preposterous question that I laughed out loud, perhaps a bit rudely, and reminded him that I'm a grad student. He smiled knowingly (psychologists have PhDs, after all) and told me he had to ask anyway.

Anyway, it's gotten to the point that I'm having to make some major adjustments, at least as major as they can reasonably be mid-semester. Some things will have to wait until May (getting 8+ hours of sleep a night, for example). I am blessed in that the people around me-- fellow students, remaining friends, advisor, and my amazing husband-- are powerfully supportive. However, that doesn't change the fact that I'm cracking.

I still haven't snapped in front of my students, though, and I take tremendous pride in that. When I teach I'm in a zone, on a different plane, and there's no room in that space for my issues. I have fifty minutes each day to cram a certain amount of grammar and conversation and writing and listening practice into their heads and mouths, and I don't have time to worry about myself. Forcing myself to go teach every day has been pretty decent stop-gap therapy, for what it's worth.

I'm still here. I've beat it back before, and I'll keep doing it for as many years as are alloted to me. Someday (hopefully some far-off day) I will die a natural death and this will be over.